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Doubt is Not Enough by Viktoria Alexandra Winters


Photo by Jean Luc Catarin


Doubt Is Not Enough


By Viktoria Alexandra Winters



Trust must be earned among strangers,


but we give it freely,


through ties of blood and governing laws.



An uncle, a father, and a grandfather we


trust to protect, nurture, and teach,


but what if they’re not?



“Don’t sit on your uncle’s lap!”


my grandmother warned,


“You’re too old.”


I was fourteen and


my uncle asked,


so I trusted


he could still hold me and


I wasn’t too heavy or


a burden on his knees.


Believing—although growing up,


feeling grotesque,


thighs too long, and


now taller than my big sisterthat


in his eyes,


I was still the niece he loved.



But I was wrong.



Grandma had mistrusted


not the physical strength of her son,


but his willingness and


his ability to suppress


a man’s urges toward the opposite sex.


Yet she didn’t warn me, nor my parents,


and a few years later, she watched as I left home to fly


eight thousand miles


to visit him.



From the day after I arrived—still a teen—he stalked me


in my bed


each morning


to wear me down.


Then he forced himself upon me


and broke me—




I conceived.




He took me to the slaughterhouse to coverup his sin and guilt.


Killing my baby left me an empty shell,


and I gave in.



I remember the green of his garden keeping his deprivation concealed


and the blue circle of his pool where he had me swim naked.


I’d look out from the kitchen window over the water,


standing there, washing the dishes,


before he’d summon me again to please him.


I remember how I had wished I was free to leave


to live my own life,


but I was his prisoner.



Now, I close my eyes and can see my grandmother’s gaze,


back then,


when I sat on his lap.


I recall her voice, the words she said, and


now I understand the hidden meaning.



I wish she had taught me about men


preying on children and young girls,


not only the passing strangers’ capacity of evil


but those men who were expected to stand guard.


By releasing her suspicions out of their prison,


I needed her wisdom to clear my vision,


and unveil the monsters who’d steal my innocence.




I wish she hadn’t only held the doubt locked within her heart—





First published by Unlimited Literature on August 24th, 2021





The Author


Viktoria Alexandra Winters is an emerging poet and writer. She writes creative nonfiction and poetry. She reaches deep to unravel her inner-child. Her next project is about online dating. Journaling about the pitfalls, the comedy, and the heartache of trying to connect in today's electronic world.


Her poetry was nominated for the Pushcart Prize by Unlimited Literature in 2021.




Photo by Jordan Rowland

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